Click to download a copy of Emily & the Magic Door

Sitcom pilot written in February 2011

SCENE 8: EXT DAY (THE “OTHER WORLD”) THE DUCK POND

EMILY:

Is this a magical land?

DOOR:

Nothing magical about this land. Boring if you ask me/us. (I think it’s magic) Shut up!

EMILY:

What do you have for breakfast?

DOOR:

I don’t know what that is.

EMILY:

And what is in your rivers.

DOOR:

I’m a door. Doors don’t go near rivers. (Not since they tried to make us into a raft on that teambuilding exercise.)

EMILY:

You’re just a door?

DOOR:

No, not ‘just’ a door. I am a door, I have maximised my potential in the door world. I am a magic door. (Magic door!)

EMILY:

Well if you are a magic door, stands to reason that this must be a magical land.

DOOR:

Where you came from is the Magical Land. (Plastic dinosaurs! A giant squirrel called Simon! Wonders! Miracles! Never before seen!)

EMILY:

You know that squirrel.

DOOR:

Might do.

EMILY:

He’s from your land.

DOOR:

Nope. Kent, I think. Ask him.

EMILY:

Look, what do I do now?

DOOR:

I am a door. Stop asking me non-door related questions. In fact, don’t talk to doors.

EMILY:

You started it. Put me back where I was.

DOOR:

Which was where?

EMILY:

Yeah, well, it wasn’t that good, I just know that I don’t know what’s going on here and I’m scared and I’d like to go back. And…there’s something I have to go back for. I don’t know wh…

(SILENCE)

Well? Oh fine time to stop talking.

EMILY KNOCKS VIOLENTLY ON THE DOOR

DOOR:

Ow!!! Ow!!! Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

 

EMILY KNOCKS EVEN HARDER

DOOR:

You’re unhinged.

EMILY:

I am knocking on a door. Where I come from you knock on doors. You’ve stopped talking to me, so I am knocking on you.

DOOR:

Knocking? I call that punching. What would you do if someone punched you repeatedly?

EMILY:

I’d hit them ba….

DOOR OPENS VIOLENTLY ONTO EMILY, KNOCKING HER FLYING. EMILY GETS UP, DOOR OPENS VIOLENTLY AGAIN. REPEAT SEVERAL TIMES.

DOOR:

Got it?

EMILY:

Think so.

DOOR:

Don’t make me do that again. Now. Let’s try to be civil. I’m Door, I like opening and closing and being between rooms, you are?

EMILY:

Emily. (PREGNANT PAUSE)

DOOR:

Anything else? Likes, dislikes? What sort of person are you?

EMILY:

Er, I’m 40, I like treasure hunts, tigers and I hate people who squeal at shoes or cakes.

DOOR:

Interesting. Interesting. (BEAT) I have no idea what any of those things are. I only learned to talk this morning. 40 what?

EMILY:

Years old. It’s a way we describe ourselves.

DOOR:

Amazing. (No. Boring really.) Come on.